It’s been almost eighteen months since I first wrote a post entitled ‘Saying Hello’ introducing myself as the author of one novel and four children’s chapter books.
Since then, nothing, except the quiet publication of a second novel, but it has been a hell of an eighteen months.
I hesitated to write this. The easier option would be to brush aside my silence and open up this blog with a review or one of the many great writing articles I have saved from other bloggers since becoming involved in the writing world. But the truth is, the mental illness that has struck the person I have lived, almost the whole of my adult life, with ( and together had two wonderful children) has now become such a huge part of what I am, that I couldn’t honestly proceed without saying something about it.
The problem is not a degenerative condition like Alzheimer’s, but plain, old anxiety and depression. Not so bad? No, in that it gives the family hope that the situation can be improved, reversed even, and yet, in our case, two and a half years on from the start, this former company director, private pilot and talented photographer is hospitalised, unwilling to talk to family or friends and unable to engage in any meaningful activity; Christmases, birthdays and anniversaries have come and gone.
For the majority of this time I have allowed myself to also be afflicted by this terrible thing in that I have succumbed to hours and hours of reflection, of long nights spent searching on the Internet for advice and new ideas and of just trying to find a way to fix it…
The result has been that, apart from being much more aware of mental health conditions and their effects, I have also learned a couple of very important things:-
- When the going gets tough, family and friends and what they do, mean so much.
- I can be there for my husband, when he wants me to be, but I also need to be there for myself.
I need to be a writer who writes, who participates, not someone on the fringes who just wishes she could take part. I have read around forty books this year; there is a mix but many of them are great Independent works by authors who are proving they can do it in style. By contrast I have actually written just six reviews because sitting down to write, anything at all, has seemed like the hardest thing.
Fnally now, I want to channel my energies into creativity again. I want to write those reviews, post to this blog and be connected. And I want to write books.
Of course, there are other things I wish for too but I feel now that maybe I can compartmentalise my efforts to a certain degree and make time to do those things that make me, me. I can start the long process of marketing and I can set goals.
For all those out there having to deal with similar problems I want you to know that it has taken a long time time but finally now I can see a way. I don’t know what will happen in my private life, I can only wish and hope, love and support but I do know what will happen to my work, I will make it the best that I can.
Thanks so much for reading.